“”Watch The Breakdown” aka a #MarshyTantrum

See, I do this horrible thing where I give up on myself. I can be even more transparent & tell you that I self sabotage - my biggest enemy is ME. Sometimes I count myself out before I even get in the game. Lately, I’ve been feeling uninspired & between being either tired or “too busy” I haven’t made the time to be creative. I try to keep myself inspired by listening to new music, looking at art on tumblr/pinterest or even by listening to some of my favorite motivational speakers. But I simply wasn’t making time for it. I’ve also learned to become my own muse. I have all of these great ideas for a beauty shoot to be creative on a model, but most times they cancel or try to postpone (which is a huge mood buster because again, I’m usually so hype to create, like mood boards, research etc) now slowly becoming a sign that I should continue to be my own muse. To take that a step further, as bomb as my ideas & the photos may be, my audience has proved to enjoy my face over my model. BUT, your girl doesn’t always feel pretty man… like again i self sabotage. I’ll think of any excuse with something as simple as “my skin is dull” “i look tired” “i’m not feeling so pretty today”. Yep, I slowly become this hypocrite & give myself the same excuses that I loathe.
The night before, I had a client that was going to her birthday dinner & when I saw her dress, I was immediately inspired. I made sure I packed tons of color to be ready for whatever I was drawn to create. When I tell you it felt SO GOOD to play in color! My usual client work is always a “natural glam” so I get super excited when I can break out my colors, paints & glitters that I have hoarded in my kit. I went home with that same energy told myself that the following day at the studio I would do a look & create some content after my client.
WELP! Happy Saturday! Not only has my cycle started full force but it’s also a bad allergy day. Whatevs, I promised myself that I would push through it. But now I have green makeup on my eyes, and that’s also bothering my eyes. The women that were there from the shoot were so into it though & giving me those “YASSSSSSS’s” that we women need to stay motivated so again I kept it pushing. That is until my left eye just wouldn’t stop running & once that one tear falls that actually penetrates the liner, guess that? NOTHING will stick in that spot, NOTHING. why? IDK!! Ask any makeup artist.. it’s over. You can wipe, dab, possibly setting powder to dry it but it’s definitely a horrible thing to happen while trying to execute an eye look. Don’t get me wrong, smudged liner is my thing, but I at least wanted to capture it perfect on camera. So yeah I’m just there with my lash coming up on the corner & I can’t fix it because the glue will drive my eyes crazy - it’s only going to drip into my eye because it’s still running. Also most of my liner has rubbed off thanks again to these tears lol. Andrew calls me over to see my progress & to ask if he could film me for an idea that he had. At this point, I’M OVER IT. Mentally checked out of the idea, physically in pain from cramping & ready to wipe it all off. However, I was still willing to do it. Why, I don’t know because my heart wasn’t in it & instead of taking a moment to regroup, I decided to be a jerk about it. Unbeknownst to me, he was recording and ended up filming my breakdown as follows (lol):

take 1: my eyes hurt & I’m not even done. (look at my poor liner.) they’re running like i’m cutting an onion 

take 2: i quit, leave me alone, don’t talk to me
(you would think that I’m a Taurus because I get so stubborn. i’m just a brat at times) 

take 3: being even more childish & mood is on “F” you 

 take 4: being an obnoxious jerk talking ish (to the one trying to help me - why do we do this?) bc “I’m Marshalle & I do what I want”. Can you believe one of the things I said was “How can this video even help me?” 

take 5: WOW. ok so you just gonna tell me about myself huh? alright then, cool.

take 6: ok you may have some valid points & have now made me shut up & listen 

take 7: takes a moment to recollect & think about the bigger picture. (this MY idea to create & I NEED content) 

take 8: i have that “Kanye talk” w myself, pull it together & finish what I started. 

 Once he sent it to me later in the day & sat it watched it, I admit I still wanted to be a jerk about it like whatever this isn’t what I wanted. But then I really watched it, like over & over. & over & over. What I saw was a grown ass woman having a tantrum worse than her 8 year old child. I saw someone who was ready to give up on herself because of her own negative thoughts. I immediately thanked Andrew for showing me myself and allowing me to see my own breakdown. Ironically it became the content that I not only wanted, but the content that I’ve been needing to feel inspired to write/blog. No it wasn’t the easiest thing to watch but it was easy to pin point key the moments I needed to see so that I won’t allow certain things to trigger me.
Now there’s no way that we can plan these moments & if I may suggest that you have a friend secretly record you at your worst moment than show you, I highly recommend it! However, the simplest take away that I can offer is to step outside of yourself to regroup in stressful situations. Remember why you’re doing what you do, why you love what you do & most importantly your PURPOSE. Once you have your thoughts together, say some powerful affirmations to yourself & proceed to PUSH THROUGH. 💋
XoXo
Marshy